Next stop, Happy-time Junction!

by Bryce Kennedy

April 17, 2003

Over the years, I've built up quite a collection of mortal enemies. Bill Cosby, that guy who jogs by my house, Vincent the cow, Paraguay...and the list goes on and on. And on! All of them are evil in their own right, but none of them even approach the sheer depravity and diabolic nature of my one true arch-nemesis, my one-and-only: the old man who lives down the street from me.

This long-distance dedication goes out to you, old man. When I rushed into your house and threw your television into your above-ground pool, you were there to hit me on the back of the head with a fireplace poker. And when I threw your groceries out into the street and called you "The Mayor of Crap City," you were there to hit me in the neck with a broom handle. Even after my failed attempt to build a robot out of your riding lawnmower resulted in your garage burning to the ground, you were there to hit me in the face with a charred, smoking rake. Yes, old man, we've had a lot of tough times together, and I look forward to many more tough times ahead.

Cheers to you, old timer. Cheers.